This was a blog that I had posted on my myspace page shortly after going back to work after Vanessa was born. It wasn't that I didn't feel any of these feelings with Harley. They just multiplied exponentially after Vanessa arrived. (as you will see in my blog).
For those of you who have already read this, maybe it will give you inspiration. For those of you who haven't read this before, this is a small glimpse into my world. I thought it was definitely worth posting again. Enjoy!
As most of us have been taught, we are all here on this earth at this specific time for a specific reason. We were all put here for a purpose. Some of us go through an entire lifetime never knowing why we are here & what we're supposed to do with our lives. A handful of us know our purpose at a very early age & most of us gradually discover our place as we go. I happen to fall into the "handful" group.
As far back as I can remember, the only thing I knew for certain, not matter what life brought me, is that I wanted to be married & have kids. From the moment that I became pregnant with Harley (at 19), I knew that my "calling" in life was to be a mom. There wasn't anything better or more rewarding. There was nothing that could fill my heart more than being a wife & a mom. And from that day, I knew that's what I was put here on this earth, at this point in time, to be & do.
I used to think that it was degrading or "less than" to be a stay-at-home mom. That if I was out in the workforce, being successful at my career, that I was somehow a better mom. I used to tell my husband in the most sarcastic tone I could muster, "If you can find a job that will replace my salary, I'll go against everything that I believe in & stay home & be the cute little housewife." I don't know if it was some kind of defense mechanism or what, but secretly I DID want to stay at home & be the "cute little housewife" & be at home with our son. I thought that if I admitted that out loud, then somehow it made me weak.
The reality of it was, that in order to pay our bills & maintain the lifestyle that we were accustomed to, that I did have to work & that staying home really wasn't an option, that it was more of a fantasy. When Harley was born, I only took 5 weeks off work. But I was extremely fortunate that I was able to bring him to work with me until he was 8 months old. Since then, I've continued to work full-time, all the while, wanting to stay home with my child more than anything. I surrendered to the fact that I wouldn't be able to be with him all the time, but it sure didn't make it any easier.
So as you all know, about 2 months ago, I gave birth to the most beautiful baby girl. She joins the most handsome boy of all time. :0) When Vanessa was born, I took 9 weeks off work. This week, I returned to work full-time. All those feelings just came flooding back from when Harley was first born, but exponentially multiplied. For the entire day that I am away from my kids, I feel like I'm going to have a panic attack. My heart just rips apart every time that I look at their picture. I can't stand to be away from them!!! I come home & I tear up when I see my kids. I cry every time I hug them & hold them. It breaks my heart to leave them every morning. There is never enough time after work or on the weekends for me. I am totally in love & addicted to my husband & my kids!!! My purpose is not to work for someone else. My purpose is not to be away from my kids. My purpose is not to be anything but SuperMom!!!
I'm pretty confident that I am not the only mom who has ever felt this way. But I'm not sure how to deal with this. This is wearing on me mentally & physically and is emotionally draining. Any words of wisdom or experience is welcomed! Please!
This is just a moment in time. It's just temporary! Everything right now is a stepping stone to get me to the next level. The next level being able to stay home with my kids. I know that this is all temporary because I am working hard to line things up so that being home with my kids will be the reality, not the fantasy, & at the same time be able to still collect the same or greater paycheck that I do now. I have to keep telling myself that "it's just temporary" so many times a day, that those are the only 3 words that I hear.
While I'm mending my heart back together & through my tears, I am keeping my eyes on the prize! The prize is the ultimate gift & miracle for me… to be home, where I belong, with my kids!!
No comments:
Post a Comment